Shaun

This hasn't been a very good weekend.

I went to Shaun's earlier. Yesterday actually. He was in a really terrible mood. I mean, he really was pissed. Maybe he was fighting with his parents again or something, I don't know, but he was totally off.

I guess I just need to vent. Tell someone about what happened. Lexi's busy with her club right now, Rose probably wouldn't be any help at all, just... ugh.
I'm a bit worried about him, Shaun that is, though I often am worried for him now that I think about it... I'll try and remember, roughly, what exactly went on, because the details kind of matter, but it won't be perfect. Oh well.

Anyway.

I'd finished all my homework for Monday, finally done studying and all, even got some stuff done on this English project due on the 4th. It was about.. 5:20 so there was some time still to hang out, so I was more than happy to go chill with Shaun. It's been about a week since I've seen him last, so it was a bit of a no-brainer about what I'd spend the rest of my day doing.

Went in, gave a short greeting to Mrs. Murphy - who (as usual) responded with a glance and a quick 'hey.' Shaun's got a little sister, Alicia, about three years old or so. I'm always nice to her, she's a sweet little girl. She showcased to me her new 'dolly' as I made my way to his room, and I went along with it for a minute until Mr. Murphy's arrival drew her attention to the other side of the house.

"Hey," I say to Shaun as I walked in. All I got was a grunt as a response, but that's pretty normal. He was wired into his Xbox, brow furrowed as his match of Black Ops intensified. He had some old, ratty shirt, a silly graphic tee, "I Declare A Thumb War" in bold grays over a camouflage print.
"Hah, how many times have you worn that shirt, now? It's starting to look a little grody."
"How many times have you worn that face, now? It's starting to look a little ugly."
A real pal, right? I know he doesn't say it with malice, but I wish he'd just chill sometimes. He's always so flipping defensive. Anyway, I pressed on.
"Just finished studying all that world history. Hell of a lot to go over. Want to shoot some hoops outside?"

Now I don't know why, but Shaun owns a basketball goal, sitting at the front of the lawn facing the street. Little kids from the streets around us use it more than we do, but it's there nonetheless. Shaun's not quite the athletic type if you know what I mean so I'm not even sure why he owns it.

"Pfft. Basketball. Such a retarded sport."
"Come on, we used to play all the time, and I'm willing to bet you've not been doing much other than Call of Duty today. Come out and play."
"You're an idiot, John."

That really got under my skin. I mean, he's usually a bit of a douche, but after so much damn work all I wanted to do was have fun with my best friend. I shouldn't have responded the way I did, but I was pretty annoyed.

"God, Shaun, do you even realize how much of an ass you can be?"
"Piss off."

I'm hardly ever that mad. I should have just stopped the conversation right here. Could've said 'whatever, just start a two-player match, then.' Anything.
But, I was pissed. My voice grew louder.

"Why do I even bother? No, seriously, Shaun. Tell me why I even bother coming over here to hang out with you. It's not like I see any of your other friends here."
And it's true. I can't remember the last time I've seen another car parked in Shaun's driveway. It's like nobody, not even his cousins or extended family, come to visit the Murphys.
Shaun didn't respond. He was barely even focused on his game at this point - his eyes stared hard at the screen, thumbs moving slowly, as if they were numb. He died several times - but he obviously wasn't bothered.

I spoke up again.
"That's what I thought." Again I waited for any sort of response from Shaun. His thumbs picked up speed, dancing across the controller. Graceful, like sumo wrestlers.

I don't like flipping shit like that, but, hey. He was being a complete jerk.

I stormed out of the house, without a word to Shaun's parents nor to Alicia. The Mister and Missus were stooped over bills and checkbooks in the kitchen - they probably never noticed me leave until the door slammed behind me.
Fuming, I walked across the street to my own home. As I was heading back, the scene replayed in my head, and I didn't even notice my gait slowly halting, until finally I stopped halfway up my front lawn.
What the hell was I doing? Shaun's my best friend. I took three long, somewhat-calming breaths, and turned back.

I didn't even knock. "Come on in, make yourself at home, brat..." Shaun's mother said. I heard Mr. Murphy mumble behind me, too. "Obnoxious much?" and their attention returned to finances.

I made my way straight to his room. "C'mon. We're playing basketball."
"J---"
"No, we are going, now. Come on. Daylight don't last forever."
He put on his familiar air of annoyance, but he trudged along behind me.
He sighed. "Let's get this over with..."

He put more effort into that game, probably, than he's put into any game before. For once, he creamed me.
It was almost enjoyable after that.

anniversary

Mary Catherine Louise.

My best friend, for almost as long as I can remember.

We had so much in common... It's almost insane how close we were.

Even back in Kindergarten, when we first met. We were always play-pals during activity times. Sat together in lunch - even back in those times when the lunchtables were practically segregated by gender.

she was always so nice to me

I remember how crushed I was when her parents wanted to her to get a 'better education' at a private school on the other side of town, back in...fourth grade.

Taking an eight-year-old girl away from all her friends and especially her best friend of all, and dropping her into a pretentious school filled with snooty little kids?

Not the best idea. It wasn't even a full semester until that was over with.

my best friend

MC was such a great person... Always was willing to be anyone's best buddy at any moment, always so helpful and smart and willing to lend a helping hand... She was in as many clubs as she could be in, she'd always be the first to jump up and volunteer for anything, for anybody.

why can't everyone be like that

Mary Catherine was always very popular. Always had plans after school, on weekends, always hanging out with a group of friends. A valued member of any and all cliques, basically. I loved her, and she loved everyone, but she and I were actually, honestly, emotionally close, and for so long.

i wasn't always so introverted. i used to be with her a lot, with a lot of friends, but not anymore, not without her

I've had close friends. Lexi is such a great friend. {SEAN - TO BE DECIDED} Roland, he's way cool too, and he's nice to me, but... They've all got others. Other friends. No time for me. Not always, anyway.

what's wrong with me

But...

A year ago.

Yesterday.

One fucking year ago yesterday.

MC and I were always very smart. Not as crazy-intelligent as Lexi is (i'll get flack for that probably but who cares) but we did very well in school, and we were always in the 'smart kid' classes through elementary school together, and we'd participate in this one organization's exclusive academic competition throughout middle and junior high school.

Last year, as freshmen in high school, we were in the big leagues as far as that stuff went - competitions between highschoolers all over Texas, not just from our grade but sophomores, juniors, seniors, too.

We were in the usual competitions - creative writing, mental math, and on-site drawing for me, and creative writing, reading comprehension, and prose recitation for MC. In middle school I'd always done very well in the writing and reading competitions, and mostly participated in art ones for the fun of it. Same goes for MC - she was such a creative girl - but this year, this year was different.

Like I said, 'the big leagues.'

Bus trip to Houston, stayed at a run-of-the mill hotel, decent rooms, rec room and a pool. An unremarkable place to stay, to say the least. The hotel itself was mediocre, but especially the pool, it was murky and the water was a sickly off-green color.

First day was just a chill-out day, arrived at the hotel late Friday night, unpacked, got ready for the competitions the next day. The plan was to get there on Friday, participate in the competitions all Saturday, and leave early Sunday morning.


The whole academic team did fairly well in our subjects. We're not district champion material but not at all close to being the worst participating school. Though, it's always the super-genius homeschooled kids that do the best. Their scores are practically exponentially better than anyone else's.


(It's ridiculous, it's as if they're bred only to perform mental math, to study Shakesperean drama, to remember every little thing about anything at all, walking talking machines engineered purely for the sole existence of academic perfection as if school is the only thing that matters at all in their godforsaken life, striving for excellence for their entire childhood wasting days weeks months years reciting fact by fact equation by equation learning studying science math reading music, and for what, to prove that you're better than some other kid that you don't care about or even know beyond the basic competitive mindset that they. are. your. enemy.) god damn school

Competitions were over. We were done, finished, awards would be given in the coming weeks, all that jazz. Weary from the long day, MC and I went to the pool. Earlier, I said how it was gross? It was pretty crappy. So cloudy you couldn't even see the bottom when you were at the deep end.


But, hey. It's a pool, right? Always a great idea to take a dip in the pool after a tiring day, yeah?
pretty flipping stupid of us me


A few of the others from our team came down with us, but they went straight back to their rooms when they saw the condition of the place.
geniuses.

But we stayed.
I can almost remember every
single
second
of the entire hour.


She walked outside, still wearing her glasses from earlier. Those really dorky looking ones that she hated wearing for exactly that reason. But her eyesight, to put it plainly, was horrible. Seriously, when I would try to put them on for a bit I would feel like my eyes got crappier just by wearing those glasses.
anyway, since wearing your contacts in a pool - especially one as horrible as that one - is a surefire way of losing them forever, glasses it was for that day.


We used to play a game, a game kind of like The Game or other similar games that don't really end or stop, but just start up at any spontaneous moment. In short, when we were together and one of us turned our back on the other, shouting "Count to 30!" would initiate a quick game of hide-and-seek wherever we happened to be. Just a silly game between friends.
i began that game when we were young. back in what fifth grade we first started playing it, starting when she had once gotten up from the lunchtable to throw away her trash. i snuck up behind her, told her to count, and walked off into the halls at school to hide in the classroom of our next period. she looked and looked around the lunchroom - where would i even hide in there? - but of course in a few short minute found me sitting in her desk, prepared for english class, like nothing ever happened. why did i start that stupid, stupid game. why. what the hell is wrong with me.


Anyway, being the slight klutz that she is was, as she's taking off her glasses MC drops them into the pool, right into the cloudy deep end. We couldn't even see them from the surface, so she declared that she'll dive in and get them herself.
"Count to 30!" I called.
"Fine, fine! Let me grab my glasses and I'll be counting on the way. Go hide while I'm down."


And so I hid.
I hid behind some bushes about twenty feet off from the pool, pretty hard to see from the walkway, door, or even from the pool.
As I hurried to my chosen hiding spot, I heard the quiet splash of Mary Catherine diving headlong into the pool to retrieve her glasses, already counting, already at "2!"


I sat and waited.
five seconds.
ten.
half a minute.
a minute.
'How long does it take to find your glasses?' I thought to myself.


two minutes.
'Alright, I guess she's out and looking for me and I just haven't heard her.'


three minutes.
I realized that something was off.
why did it take me so damn long to realize this i could have done something could have changed it could have saved her
what's wrong with me


I stepped out of the bushes. I didn't see her.
"HOLY SHIT!"
I looked frantically around the perimeter, I gave a quick glance inside, I couldn't find her anywhere.


I'm not a good swimmer, but I jumped in. Where else could she be?
the worst part is that i was right


I slid into the water, and quickly swam down. It was impossible to see and that disgusting water stung my eyes like no other.
Feeling around
frantically
no idea where she was
it was hell


After a few seconds that seemed like several eternities - cliché as that phrase is, it's absolutely true - I found, held, gripped her body (limp and not responding) tightly as I could and pushed my way up as fast as possible, pushed her up, ran straight inside yelled for help for nine-one-one for anyone who knew what to do, she was dead there and i knew it but of course would not believe it and did not know what to do even as staff came through the doors even as our schoolmates crowded around her
cradled in my arms
hair matted with mostly-washed-away blood
neither was her chest moving nor mouth breathing, her eyes however, open but empty, blankly staring at nothing
and i could do nothing but stare back at the same hollow nothingness in my best friend, my mary catherine, my MC, my. best. friend.


dead. and whose fault?
and whose fucking fault
but mine


i don't remember anything after that
i was told that i blacked out
with a scream


happy anniversary

Football!

Football game was okay, I enjoyed myself for most of it.

The beginning was the worst. Rose and Roland were the only friends I had there - so that was a bit uncomfortable... I think - sometimes, just sometimes - that Rose doesn't really like me very much because I'm not cool or popular. She's a good friend, though, pretty and funny and all that, but she's very outgoing.
I'm... not.

The extreme social atmosphere of the game, plus the small-but-growing crowd of semi-popular guys and their 'lady friends' - code for 'ho's, I guess? - surrounding Rose (therefore, Rol and I as well) made me a tad uneasy.
Rose was flitting about from group to group as usual, and finally was back to Roland and I. To the group as a whole, she was as flirtatious as always - crude jokes, innuendos, while batting those long, mascara-coated eyelashes of hers.

Of course, the gallery of guys present were egging her on. And she seemed to love the attention, but came back to Rol and I. She started focusing her attention on me.

Maybe she thinks it'd give her some sort of 'cred' to get someone as introverted as myself to go along with her little games? That's my best guess, but you can never really tell with Rose.

As she finished her last joke - a particularly suggestive one, at that - she threw her arms around me (an unprecedented action. While she is...extremely flirtatious...she's never been physical like that with me).
Some of those other guys were practically salivating. I think that's raaather sad, but, whatever.

With a little giggle and a swift wink, she continues. "Heh, right, John? Yeah?"
"Uh, yeah. I guess."

Clearly not the smooth, responsive reply that she was hoping for. She privately shot me a look and ran off to get some other poor guy's blood pumping.

Anyway, after that, Roland and I caught up with Shaun and Lexi at the gate. We hung out in the corner of where the bleachers and field meet, sat for a long while, just chatted it up for the rest of the game - which actually wasn't all that bad to watch, with company. Had a pretty good time from then on, actually! About half-way through the game, Rose caught up with us - alone this time - and hung around the rest of the game.

Roland and Rose are pretty funny people, even apart from each other. When they're together, though, the laughter's practically endless. :) After the game we all headed off to IHOP and had a late dinner - ate around 11-ish or so? - and I got home maybe...15 minutes ago.

Ha, it was a pretty good start to the weekend. Maybe I should start going to the games more often.

And... I guess I shouldn't really worry about Rose's behavior... Right? I mean, no harm done... Just a bit much.